Understanding and Managing Jealousy in Relationships
(This piece is focused on romantic relationships, whether that’s monogamous or polyamorous, but partner can also be replaced by friend/ family member, depending on which relationship they are to you.)
Jealousy can be a very strong emotion and we often feel a lot of shame around this, but jealousy is a normal emotion and will likely affect everyone once in a while.
Sometimes we can feel threatened by a third party that affects the relationship and that creates jealousy.
Often, we say we feel jealous because our partner’s actions made us feel jealous, but usually there is an underlying reason in our past that might cause it. Jealousy usually occurs when we lack trust. This can be trust in your partner or trust in yourself (that you are enough for your partner).
Effects
Jealousy is often seen as a negative emotion and we’re told to avoid it and feel ashamed for experiencing it, but by avoiding it, we create a space where it can fester and affect our relationship.
By not dealing with it, jealousy can lead to a breakdown in the relationship. It can cause frustration or irritability with your partner and this can lead to resentment.
Sometimes it can cause us to look for constant reassurance from them, or on the other side, we might want to control the other person’s interactions with others.
However, exploring the reasons and understanding the cause can help us increase our self-awareness, improve our communication and can strengthen our relationship.
So instead of avoiding dealing with jealousy, a healthier choice would be to focus on accepting the jealousy, feeling it and working to understand the cause. This can help us take actions that help move past it.
Questions to ask yourself
To help understand where the jealousy is coming from, have a look at some of these questions:
What's next?
Once you understand what made you feel jealous, you can figure out the next steps that you need for yourself to address the feeling. That can mean working on your self-confidence and knowing you are enough. It can also mean opening up to your partner and maybe talk about the needs that are not addressed or addressing the underlying issue. If you want to address this with your partner, it’s important to come at this from your feelings and not by just accusing them of anything.
If you’d like support beyond these questions, or help understanding where it came from, I’m here to help you find a path forward.
If you’re ready to explore how counselling might help, please get in touch
Jealousy can be a very strong emotion and we often feel a lot of shame around this, but jealousy is a normal emotion and will likely affect everyone once in a while.
Sometimes we can feel threatened by a third party that affects the relationship and that creates jealousy.
Often, we say we feel jealous because our partner’s actions made us feel jealous, but usually there is an underlying reason in our past that might cause it. Jealousy usually occurs when we lack trust. This can be trust in your partner or trust in yourself (that you are enough for your partner).
Effects
Jealousy is often seen as a negative emotion and we’re told to avoid it and feel ashamed for experiencing it, but by avoiding it, we create a space where it can fester and affect our relationship.
By not dealing with it, jealousy can lead to a breakdown in the relationship. It can cause frustration or irritability with your partner and this can lead to resentment.
Sometimes it can cause us to look for constant reassurance from them, or on the other side, we might want to control the other person’s interactions with others.
However, exploring the reasons and understanding the cause can help us increase our self-awareness, improve our communication and can strengthen our relationship.
So instead of avoiding dealing with jealousy, a healthier choice would be to focus on accepting the jealousy, feeling it and working to understand the cause. This can help us take actions that help move past it.
Questions to ask yourself
To help understand where the jealousy is coming from, have a look at some of these questions:
- What changed that you feel jealous now?
- Has anything happened that reduced your trust in your partner?
- Which of their actions made you feel jealous?
- What is your worry that will happen to your relationship with your partner?
- What are you missing in the relationship with your partner from them that you feel you need?
- What needs of you are not met by your partner?
- Are these needs linked to this relationship or your past?
- What is it that you worry your partner might give to the new person? (non-monogamy only)
- Of those needs, do they depend on your partner or could you get them met elsewhere? (non-monogamy only)
- What do you need to stop feeling jealous?
What's next?
Once you understand what made you feel jealous, you can figure out the next steps that you need for yourself to address the feeling. That can mean working on your self-confidence and knowing you are enough. It can also mean opening up to your partner and maybe talk about the needs that are not addressed or addressing the underlying issue. If you want to address this with your partner, it’s important to come at this from your feelings and not by just accusing them of anything.
If you’d like support beyond these questions, or help understanding where it came from, I’m here to help you find a path forward.
If you’re ready to explore how counselling might help, please get in touch