Let's talk about boundaries
Often people struggle to set boundaries. Especially if they have past trauma where their boundaries were ignored, it becomes harder to set boundaries. Each time we set a boundary that has been ignored and we didn’t reinforce the boundary, it gets harder, regardless of whether we didn’t reinforce the boundary because we can’t or because it was unsafe to do so in the situation.
So here is the good news, you can still learn to set boundaries and how to reinforce them, but understanding the difference between boundaries and rules is an important part of this.
So let’s have a quick look at the differences between boundaries and rules.
Boundaries guide your behaviour and what you accept.
Rules attempt to control someone else.
So let’s use some examples to put this into context.
If you’re vegetarian and don’t like meat, you may have a boundary to not eat meat. That’s your boundary and doesn’t affect others, unless they want to cook for you.
If you really dislike the look and smell of meat and don’t want to be near it, you might have a boundary to not date someone who eats meat around you. That’s your choice on who you engage with. You’re not asking someone to change for you, you’re looking for someone who is compatible.
However, if you are vegetarian and you are dating someone who loves meat and you try to make a rule that your partner can’t eat meat anymore, that is a harder to enforce, as you expect someone to change for you.
It gets closer to abuse if you expect someone to change for you. This can feel like manipulation and it quite often is.
If you’re in a power exchange relationship, you probably have done some extensive contracting as equals, before allowing one partner to set the rules. This comes with ongoing consent that either partner can withdraw at any time.
But what about the other side?
What if someone doesn’t respect your boundary?
Boundaries do not require agreement to be valid, so if you are vegetarian and your partner is trying to pressure you into eating meat, that’s a boundary violation. These boundaries don’t become less important because they inconvenience your partner. So if your boundaries consistently can’t be respected, it might be time to ask the question if the relationship is healthy for you right now.
What's next?
Recognising these patterns is a great first step. If you'd like support in setting and maintaining boundaries or letting go of control, let's chat. We can book a free 30-minute chat. No pressure, just a space to talk things through.
So here is the good news, you can still learn to set boundaries and how to reinforce them, but understanding the difference between boundaries and rules is an important part of this.
So let’s have a quick look at the differences between boundaries and rules.
Boundaries guide your behaviour and what you accept.
Rules attempt to control someone else.
So let’s use some examples to put this into context.
If you’re vegetarian and don’t like meat, you may have a boundary to not eat meat. That’s your boundary and doesn’t affect others, unless they want to cook for you.
If you really dislike the look and smell of meat and don’t want to be near it, you might have a boundary to not date someone who eats meat around you. That’s your choice on who you engage with. You’re not asking someone to change for you, you’re looking for someone who is compatible.
However, if you are vegetarian and you are dating someone who loves meat and you try to make a rule that your partner can’t eat meat anymore, that is a harder to enforce, as you expect someone to change for you.
It gets closer to abuse if you expect someone to change for you. This can feel like manipulation and it quite often is.
If you’re in a power exchange relationship, you probably have done some extensive contracting as equals, before allowing one partner to set the rules. This comes with ongoing consent that either partner can withdraw at any time.
But what about the other side?
What if someone doesn’t respect your boundary?
Boundaries do not require agreement to be valid, so if you are vegetarian and your partner is trying to pressure you into eating meat, that’s a boundary violation. These boundaries don’t become less important because they inconvenience your partner. So if your boundaries consistently can’t be respected, it might be time to ask the question if the relationship is healthy for you right now.
What's next?
Recognising these patterns is a great first step. If you'd like support in setting and maintaining boundaries or letting go of control, let's chat. We can book a free 30-minute chat. No pressure, just a space to talk things through.